Queen Finds An Intruder!
Author: Robert Locke
Website: http://www.queeninitaly.com
Added: Fri, 24 Nov 2006 12:29:02 -0500
Category: Humor
Views: 113

Read the humorous adventures of the exiled Queen as she learns to cope with Italian social mores and a complicated political scenario. Ousted by the Republican party after a closely fought referendum(51%) in which the Monarchy is declared an anachronism, the Queen and Prince Consort decide to live out their exile in Italy. The former UK is now known as New English Republican Dominions (NERD). Follow their daily adventures as they come to terms with the complicated political and social mores of Italy while keeping in touch with events and personalities back home. Get details on Italian tourism, events and Italian recipes on :- www.queeninitaly.com "Binoculars please" the Queen snapped. The Press Secretary knew that the Queen had never, ever recovered from finding a man in her bedroom about twenty years ago. That incident had left a deep scar on her psyche. She had tried Bach flower remedies and later psychotherapy but she was still haunted by the incident. As a result, she always worried about security. She took no time at all to focus on the Mini Cooper. It had an Italian registration number. "2003, Mini Cooper S, Inline 4 and Front Wheel Drive" she said briskly. "But look further down towards that copse.... I can just make out a man lurking in the trees" "Can I have a look?" asked the Press Secretary "It's a woman". "No, it's a man!"insisted the Queen "It's a cross dresser!" said PC but nobody appreciated this flippant remark at this very tense moment. "Shall we say it is a mere mortal?" said the Press Secretary. The Queen shot him a nasty look. "She/he or it is an intruder and I want him/her or it off the property,fast, pronto!" "It could be a NERD spy from the anti-monarchists- they are a nosey lot" suggested the Press Secretary. "Enough of Shakespearian cross dressing and spies in from the cold or heat for that matter- I want them out" shouted the Queen. The Press Secretary was resigned to his fate ."Allright, I will go and see this person/thing/drag queen off the estate" "We will hide in the basement - take the Smith Wesson with you, just in case". "Don't do yourself in" sneered PC. The Press Secretary first went to the Control Room-all rooms on red alert. He quickly changed into his ACU- the latest US model-a combination of green-woodland, grey- urban and sand brown- desert. He pulled on his jungle ripple boots. He was well trained and hardened. It had been a requisite for the job- 'combat training and experience highly desirable'. He had successfully completed the Skutsnuz GRU training with the Russian Special Forces. He had been a rugby player too in another life but had no time for the Gavin Hensons of this world who went under the sun lamp before matches! Ridiculous! These guys did not even know the meaning of 'Dinosaur' strength workouts, nor speed uphill training. They had probably never even heard of capture-bonding. Hardly necessary after a rugby match,admittedly, but HE was ready for anything now after that training. Because of his somewhat mild- mannered nature, they had no idea that he was a man of steel. He quickly took the all-purpose clasp-knife and the fling knife for good measure. On second thoughts, he decided to take the Beretta 21 Bobcat - much easier loading. He skirted the rear courtyard. He crawled through the ferns near the copse. He lay still, his super Health-Watch showed all bodily functions working perfectly. Adrenalin was rushing- he felt strong and calm. He saw a shadow through trees. Then a female figure emerged from the cover. She looked perplexed. "Walk with your hands above your head" he ordered keeping the Beretta aimed at her heart. "Don't be ridiculous-where do you think we are- Abu Ghraib prison!" said the intruder. "It is my duty to warn you that you are trespassing on the Queen's property" "What Queen - I am a sort of queen- my name is Valerie Lust- the first ever transgender member of Parliament!" The Press Secretary slowly lowered the revolver. He recognised the angular facial features- the Italian press had been full of Ms Valerie Lust. The scene could have been from an Almodovar film- the tough combat fighter meets a transgender MP in an Italian garden belonging to an exiled Queen! The figures blended in with the beautiful surroundings- vague colours of the uniform hardly distinguishable from the trees while Valerie's pale mauve trouser suit was a perfect match for the lavender bushes at her feet. The Press Secretary could barely contain his fury. He explained who the tenants were and asked Ms Lust what she was doing on the property. "Just passing by on my way to Urbino for a meeting, took a wrong turning and parked my Mini Cooper over there and was just strolling,admiring the lavender" "I will accompany you to the car" he gallantly offered. "Do you think I could possibly meet the Queen?" He thought for a moment and decided that any member of Parliament of whatever sex would be asset for their cause, even if this MP was elected by the Communists. "Very well" he said "Take me to your Queen", she laughed. He clomped down the gravel paths, kicking the stones and thought that he would never live this down. Worst of all, PC had been right- the intruder was indeed a cross dresser!

About the Author:
Enjoys looking at the lighter side of life. He has been described as having a ‘mad imagination’! Interests include Italian and British politics ,swimming, cooking, reading, blogging, Internet, travelling, cinema. http://www.queeninitaly.com –Lots of info available on Italian Events, Tourism, Cooking.

More Humor articles